It is Saturday, maybe we can chill out a bit. No superhero ever saved the world during the week-end – rhythms slow down, you can’t actually manage to insert any tension in the narrative…. and thus I too would like to participate to this global lightening of spirit.

Courtship from a distance happens, as a matter of fact, when two people are distant, sure, but usually there is no army to stop us should we try to go out. Borders are not shut, and if we ever feel like wearing a mask (I would never do that, of course, I would never want to ruin my flaming lipstick) we would just be taken for a hypochondriac.

This kind of experience happened to me too. A maiden struggles all through her life to find the greatest love and finally when she meets somebody who is a lover of peril and disregards any danger, she must leave because she has already signed a contract in a town several hours of flight away. It was another era, no w’up back then, no flat rate for your cellular phone (that’s what we used to call it), no emoji (how marvelous). We had to call each other – and one of the two had to pay enormous bills (again, not me, of course).

While we imagine a world post-everything-that-is-happening-right-now, when we will embrace each other for just about anything, everyone will love anyone madly just to make up for lost time, we will give that one kiss we never gave because we feared it would change our life forever (pretty accurate), what are we doing? Sleeping?? Oh no! True: the tendency to physicality will explode in the future, but the future does not exist.

Not an apocalyptic view, a cry for absolute freedom instead!

Therefore now we sit at our desk and we plan a strategy that, tomorrow, will provide nearness, warmth, experiencing the other and, here and now, a flawless and good planned technique of seduction from afar.

Ready, set, go!

Rule number one: don’t play hard to get. Too big a concurrence on the market. Goods in storage. One must work meticulously and rely on quality. What does “quality” mean in your case? Try to make a reality-check (or call me, we can dedicate a session to this topic – I must work too, after all).

You count on your looks? Well if you can, please, why not. Careful, though: do not just go fishing. Every kind has its own admirer. And ready – push ups, plank at full throttle, step using two upside-down pots, run around the kitchen table, go!

You count on your knowledge and the epistolary experience of a modern days’ Leopardi? Ok. Here the risk is boredom, the tedium of spending your time flipping through eighth grade anthologies searching for poems, because… when was it last time that you bought a poetry book during the past five years? Never. Proudly never. And if you surf the sites dedicated to love aphorisms thinking to be Mr/Mrs original, you are comparable to those who send the same meme – good morning/congrats/festivity/you are unique to all the women/men (check the case) on your phonebook. Sexy? Not really.

Therefore be honest and try to understand where your limit stands, and how big your little patch is.

Rule number two: no warming up the broth. Not even the soup. I know, it would be convenient to text, chat, keep warming up the same male or female character you turn to (or he or she turns to you) in those moments… well… how do you say… well, you know what I mean. There’s also a name for those who cover this kind of role in the life of an adult in the sexually active age of life who does not have any stable love companionship.  I do not want to use such a noun as, by nature always going in obstinate and contrary direction, all of this makes me feel really sad. No judgement, really, I’m being honest: it seems…feeble. So little self-esteem in terms of ability to distribute  happiness – physical, intimate, erotic – not to be able even to try to do some fresh shopping. And sadly one warms up the soup. Probably also a thin one and shared with others too. (You will not hire me, not even for a teeny-tiny session? Oh well – your loss).

Rule number three: study history. Oh yes. Of costume, of society, of mankind evolution… all the right pieces of advice are in there. Now you have time on your hands. If you are working from home, you still have the evening slot: it spontaneously calls for concentration, intimacy, introspection.

History of costume teaches you many things. For example, that a man wears a jacket because it is the civil substitute of the uniform (oh gosh, the charm of the uniform, brrr! I surrender, I surrender immediately!). And it has a small breast-pocket. And in it lies a fabric pocket handkerchief.  Why does a man carry a fabric pocket handkerchief? Because, as certain as the light of day, sooner or later he meets a distraught maiden he can offer it to. Et voilà, les jeaux sont faits!  The man finds his natural placement in protecting and women in welcoming. You are independent and pretty ballsy women, and you are disgusted by my point of view? Worse for you. Go on buying flowers by yourselves and carrying your own suitcase. I am certainly not.

These three rules are enough for today.

Now, in conclusion, two quick suggestions divided by category.


To men: be gentle. Women drop at your feet if and when you show gentleness. It is indeed the most seductive male characteristic for sure. Seeing is believing. Start immediately with a phone call every second day. Not to mark the territory but to show attention. And when the reopening season comes, remember: it is not the invitation to dinner that conquers a woman. It is the fact that you pick her up at her doorstep. And don’t keep fumbling with the phone at the table. She is not interested in going out with a oh-so-important-a-businessman to the point that he must be all-time connected. If you were truly that important, the others would be waiting for a sign from you, right? And it is not even such a phallic symbol anymore, believe you me. Everybody has one already.

And to women, who often are better than they think: it is true, there will be an assault to the hair-salon. Manicure will require a tough fight. Let’s take courage. But shall we put down the mirror (the archenemy) for a moment? Do you know how many men would like to see you, once in a while, with less artifice? I am not lying (I never tell a lie, I would never remember what I said); and I am not referring to “Hairy woman…” (sorry, no real translation for this one!). Young and beautiful have more chances, alas, be strong, it’s life. But there is nothing disqualifying in showing oneself as one truly is – adherent to life yet dreamy, able to listen, to play around a bit and capable to not take oneself too seriously.

Back to the handkerchief: why does a woman carry a handkerchief in her sleeve? So she can drop it with studied nonchalance and false distraction… and a cute gentleman picks it up and has a good excuse to follow her and bring it back!

And you girls, let him follow you, let him run after you. Let them have a little fun, these men who lost the taste of hunting the maiden of their forbidden dreams.

… a little moving around, in times of lock down, can only be good!!!

 

 

 

Napoleon and Josephine at Malmaison (1824)                                                                         (copyright 2009, Department of Special Collections, Memorial Library, University of Wisconsin-Madison, Madison, WI)

2 thoughts on “ The three rules of courtship in a time of distance ”

  1. Thank you.
    It really made me smile – and think. I love your view on how to behave. Men and women are equal, but let’s keep the differences, for the benefit of all, and fun.

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