<<I hated every minute of training, but I said, don’t quit. Suffer now and live the rest of your life as a champion>>.
My interview to L’Eco di Bergamo on Sunday, April 5th. Enjoy!
We are all expected to experience our ability to overcome the crisis and adapt to changes. How? We talk about it with Marzia Salini, relationships’ coach.
Given the maximum respect concerning everything people are going through at present, and aware that there is not one situation totally matching another, I believe this is not the right time for an universal, care-all panacea that would be the same for each and every home and family. Such a fascinating term as resilience is bound to take the stage in tough, challenging situations. It is inevitable. As inevitable as having a bunch of advices circulating on how to develop it – out of the blue. Sure, baking biscuits together is cute – once – and the homebound family will, in fact, spend a couple of serendipity hours. But somebody will have to tidy up afterwards – and there will be no second time. Let’s surrender to peace of mind: it is not the Covid-19 emergency that will give us the time to learn to play the ukulele waddling around, changing our lives forever. And probably it is also not the right occasion to teach granny how to play Fortnite. Same-same concerning the cataloguing of pictures from past travels… better not! The risk is there, Covid-19 outburst replaces the “middle age crisis” as most probable cause for divorce!
No forced conviviality please – we are like Napoleon in Saint Helena, after all.
Where do we start from, then, if not from conviviality in the family and baking biscuits?
Well… not everyone has the great luck to have a family. Somebody is alone, and discouraged, others are happy because it is their choice. What I would like to make clear is that one cannot face an emergency with talents and “secret weapons” that one does not have. What we feel inside us – in the head, and in the heart – and what comes naturally now, while we are locked in (or jailed, to somebody’s understanding) is the result of what we chose and have done previously. We are not born at the exact time when the Stay Home order arrived. The only suggestion I feel like giving is to start from whatever is there, and not from what is missing. Let’s give ourselves both calmness and space in our minds in order to recognize it.
A suggestion about how to do that?
Let’s try to be objective and recognize: which are our strongest characteristics? What do we do well, what triggers a positive reaction in us? When are we at our best? On the relative level, a forced conviviality needs good behavior. It is fundamental that we ourselves keep it in the first place, before expecting others to do it. This is something that we can do very well already. It is not much different from what our mum taught us before delivering us to the world: good manners, a constant personal hygiene, respect for others’ time, space and belongings… And once we do that, let’s focus on not taking things personally,
What does it mean, given this stance, not to take things personally?
It means that what is happening right now is not only happening to us – it affects everybody. It is not a penalty that we have to serve – there isn’t anyone who is punishing us for whatever reason. Even less so inside our family. To understand this is essential – mainly in order to avoid any mechanism that would trigger frustration and anger.
This is already happening, as a matter of fact…
Yes, unfortunately. But, again: we should already know that everything we do leads to a result that will not fail to come back to us. It is not by getting angry, and dumping the lives of others and ourselves that we will be able to keep the nose above water. Anger is a sign of weakness. It keeps us from seeing the reality of things and even more it prevents us to change them as we would like to do. Resilience comes through self-responsibility. This is the right time to think about it, and to listen – to others, but especially to ourselves.
In conclusion: what would you like to find at the end of the tunnel?
I would like to see the sentence “…till everything will be back as it was” erased and emptied of every importance. If everything goes back as it was, it truly means we have learned nothing.
Marzia Salini has created Coaching for Happiness because <<We can only talk about what we know>>.